As a teacher, there’s no such thing as a normal day. Over the course of a school day, students (no matter how old) will do and say some pretty wild and unexpected things. Therefore, you inevitably find yourself stringing together sentences you would have never guessed would come out of your mouth. Like ever. Read on for these funny examples of things you say as a teacher. And before you ask—yes, these are all 100 percent real!
1. “If you have wasps in your pocket, take them out now.”
He did, in fact, have wasps in his pocket. They were alive.
2. “Please don’t bite me.”
Lori B. says this was met with, “Oh, I wasn’t going to bite you. I just wanted to lick you.’”
3. “Who is snorting like a pig?”
It’s certainly true that teachers end up having to investigate mysterious animal noises being made by humans more often than the average person does.
4. “Don’t microwave the baby.”
Giving kids time for free play is good, but it’s still good to encourage good behavior.
5. “Don’t touch his Woody without his permission.”
Chris W. said this after a student tried to take a classmate’s Toy Story toy.
6. “You can have your cremated snake back at the end of the day.”
Sometimes you just have to remove the distraction from the equation.
7. “Why do you have your grandma’s false teeth?”
And we want to know: Does grandma know about this?
8. “We don’t poke the door with our penis.”
Sometimes direct is best.
9. “Please don’t use your tongue to touch the button on the Smartboard.”
This is never a good idea.
10. “Glue sticks are not chapstick.”
This quote comes from Chrissy R., who teaches 8th grade. Yup, I said 8TH GRADE.
11. “Why do you have fried chicken in your pocket?”
This takes snacking to a new level.
12. “Why do you have a baby bird in your backpack?”
It was alive. But it sure didn’t belong at school.
13. “We can’t chew gum that we find on the bathroom floor.”
I mean, we can—but we shouldn’t.
14. “We don’t drink hand sanitizer.”
This was said to a junior in high school.
15. “Thanks for inviting me to the kegger, but I’m a teacher.”
Amy S. was 21 and teaching at a large high school when she got invited to a keg party.
16. “No, I do not want to see your scientist underwear.”
The teacher did add, “I’m sure it’s super cool, though.”
17. “Stop barking!”
I’m betting there was no dog in this classroom.
18. “Please don’t tell me my soul belongs to you.”
Too much sci-fi for this student.
19. “Um, that’s not a balloon. That’s a condom.”
Brenda M. says her student had taken a condom from his mom’s drawer and then blew it up at school.
20. “Did you just put a banana in my coffee?”
The answer was yes.
21. “Please don’t put pipe cleaners in your nose.”
Kathy V. tells us she had to give this reminder to her sixth graders. She also had to add, “Don’t put them in your friends’ noses either.”
22. “Turn off your shoes!”
Yes, those light-up shoes can be turned off with a button.
23. “Get your eraser out of your belly button!”
To be clear, Gretchen M. said she actually said, “Get your borrador out of your ombligo!” She was talking to a third-grade Spanish class.
24. “Take your finger out of the hole in your desk. It’s going to get stuck again.”
This teacher tells us this is something she had to say to a senior.
25. “Why did you lick her fingers?”
Why do they lick EVERYTHING? No one is safe.
26. “We keep our eyes open when we’re walking.”
This is one that Debra M. overheard a colleague say to first graders. She was trying to keep them safe!
27. “Don’t touch my tummy. I don’t touch your tummy.”
Kathy D. says this is something she has to say to her first graders—on a regular basis.
28. “Do NOT lick urinals!”
Just the thought of it made you crinkle your nose, didn’t it?
29. “No, you can’t pick up the poop with your hands OR with a stick.”
It’s a no either way.
30. “Even if your hands don’t smell like pee, you still need to wash them.”
You’re not a teacher unless you’ve said something like this.
31. “Put your eyeball back in your head and quit scaring the girls with it.”
Susan W. said this to a student who had a fake eye.
32. “Stop snorting Altoids up your nose!”
This was a new one, even for Dinah F., who teaches eighth grade math.
33. “Where are your pants?!”
Julianne M. had to ask a freshman in high school this!
34. “How did he pee on your head?”
Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
35. “Honey, are you sure you want to name your unicorn horny?”
It seems like a logical name.
36. “You are NOT allowed to take off your shoe and bite your toenails in this classroom.”
37. “If you’re thirsty, please go drink out of the water fountain instead of that puddle.”
You are not a puppy!
38. “When we get angry, we don’t take our pants off.”
There are other ways of dealing with anger.
39. “Don’t lick your armpit! We have already discussed this!”
This was something Donna T. said to a nine-year-old boy when he was wearing a sleeveless shirt.
40. “Metal forks do not go in electrical sockets.”
I really hope this student listened.
41. “Please stop licking the carpet.”
We’ll say they’re still adjusting to being in the classroom.
42. “Do not drink your watercolor water.”
After the third time, the student’s mom had to be called about this one.
43. “No, you cannot try on each other’s contact lenses.”
44. “If you clog the toilet, do not push it down with your hands.”
Here’s an entire bottle of hand sanitizer and some Lysol for you.
45. “We aren’t practicing turkey calling during math class.”
Let’s save that for at home.
46. “Stop turning your eyelids inside out.”
It’s scaring your classmates.
47. “Even if it is your spare pair, get that underwear off your head.”
Dirty or clean, we don’t need to see it.
48. “Don’t stick the candy you had in your mouth on the window!”
That’s a sticky clean up.
49. “Please don’t touch your food with your feet.”
I don’t want to smell your feet either.
50. “Only cats need to lick themselves. You do not.”
Keep your tongues in your mouths, please.
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Plus, check out other things you say as a teacher with these substitute teacher memes.